Dubious Adventures: A Tale of the Bravest Heroics
by Saltwater
Summary: I was once abandoned at school, left to rot in the library. My family had forgotten me, and I was surrounded by my worst enemy: Silence. I had no food, no water, and all cool internets sites had been blocked. My name is Kat, and this is my story...
1. The Relationship that Wasn't

have nothing to do.  
I have no where to be.  
And I'm bored.

* * *

Kat sat at the school library, staring at the computer screen and waiting for her sister to finish her after school French lessons so that she could go home.

Really, there was absolutely nothing to do here. The school had banned practically any site that was even remotely fun, all her friends had left long ago, and she was bored. So she sat. And she stared.

Soon, she got bored of that too, so she clicked onto google.

There, she found a picture of the fellowship. And so she sat.  
And she stared.

All of a sudden, she was sucked into the computer screen!  
Now normally, such a strange phenomenon would hardly go unnoticed in a room full of people, but for some reason, it did.  
Well, the girl that was sitting nearest Kat did indeed notice, but she didn't seem to care.  
It could perhaps be because Kat is a knob.

In any way, she flew in through the computer screen, and out the other end into… Middle Earth!

"Ouch!" said Legolas, as Kat landed on top of him. (many people seem to have the delusions that Legolas always says 'Ai!', but he doesn't. He to, is a normal person, and normal people say 'ouch'.)

"Yowcha mucha!" said Kat, as she fell of Legolas' soft, cushiony body and landed on the floor. On her head.

She knocked off Gandalf's hat.  
"FOOL!" shouted Gandalf, as he turned her into a pelican.

Kat blinked.

Then, Gandalf felt sorry for her, so he changed her back.  
But he accidentally got the process wrong, and changed her into a sexy beast of a woman.

Legolas thought she was the sexiest sexy beast of a woman he had ever seen, and he fell in love with her.  
Kat thought that she wouldn't ever score a better catch, so she fell in love with him too.

They both stared lovingly into each others eyes, and slowly, Legolas moved closer.  
They were mere centimeters away now. She new this, because she was measuring the gap with a ruler.

She could feel his breath ghost over her lips as he moved his hand up to cup her cheek. She had never experienced a more tender moment in her life.

Then, she farted.  
"Oops." She deadpanned. "Did I ruin the moment?"

Legolas slapped her. "Biatch! _I thought you loved me!"_ with that, he turned around and ran away, tears in his eyes.

"FOOOOL!" Gandalf screamed in pain and torment, before running away also. But what he didn't know, was that he didnt have his hat.

Kat picked it up.

Putting it on, she turned around and faced the fellowship. "I am your master now! BOW DOWN TO ME!"  
And so the rest of the quest was conducted with Kat as the leader, and everything happened exactly as it should have (except that Kat was a lot more violent and evil).

Then, when everyone was running away to Elfy Heaven, Kat sneaked away and jumped back through the computer screen.

Then her mummy came into the library. "There you are Kat!" she said. "Come on, time to go home!"

And so Kat followed, holding the giant grey hat behind her back and cackling to herself.

Now, let us _neeever_ speak of this again…


	2. Where the Weed Grows

This is going to become a tradition...

* * *

Ellie, Kats sister, was again at after school French for another 52 minutes.

What a selfish little cow. How dare she attempt to gain an education! Kat was bored. _Bored_ I tell you!  
What makes her think she could sit there in class and learn crap, when all Kat would do was stare at some walls and watch nerds do their homework! The injustice of it all!

Oh woe is me… her… it…… whale…

While she was rambling in her head, it turned out that Kat was staring at a book on the shelf. It was 'The Hobbit'.  
Now, this book was completely normal in every which way. Many a person had stared at this book before now, and nothing spectacularly strange or weird had happened to them.  
But, as we discussed before, Kat is a knob.

So, she got sucked into the magical book of normalness. Just because.

She fell out of the sky and onto a wizard. This wizard was Radagastga (?) the Brown.  
Quick as a flash, Kat bared her teeth and latched on to Rada's neck, sucking out all his life force, including his magical powers.

Picking up an ugly, boring stick that was Rada's staff, she used her newfound powers to make it coolified.  
She turned it into a cane. Coz canes are cool.  
It looked like Lucius's cane, from Harry Potter.

That cane is so pimpy.

So Kat ran up to Bilbo's house in a cool pimpy grey hat, and a cool pimpy cane, and rapped on his door.  
"Get bent, focker!" screamed Bilbo from inside, and Kat grew angry.  
"GAARGH!" she said, and peeped her head through a window in the side of the lump-in-the-ground-that-is-supposed-to-be-a-house.

Bilbo saw the grey hat and thought it was Gandalf, so he opened the door.

Kat barged in, ate all his food, stole all his weed, and messed up his house. Then, she magiced up more treasure than Bilbo could ever use in his life, and stashed it in the walls of his "house".

Cackling like a madwoman, she ran off.

Bilbo, in his rage and torment, disappeared in a flash and a bang, reappearing seconds later with even _more_ gold.  
Then, he sat down and began picking his nose (a habit that he would soon pass on to his nephew).

All of a sudden,Gandalf walked in.

Bilbo was horrified. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" He said. For what he saw was truly terrifying.

The top part of Gandalf's head was bald. Shiny, shiny bald.

Gandalf immediately burst into tears. "Why do you think I always wore that goddamned hat?" he whipped a paper bag out of his pocket and stuffed it onto his head. Then, he ran off into the wilderness, never to be seen again by a living creature for many, many, many, many, many, many, many a year…

Then, seven dwarves marched up to Bilbo's house.

"Hei-ho! Hei-ho! Its home from work we go!" they raided his house looking for food and weed. When they didn't find any, they bashed the living daylights out of Bilbo and left.

And Kat was happy.


	3. Enter Clare

Yes.  
It is, again, Thursday. The day that Kat sits down all lonerated coz her sister tries to pretend she's smart by taking extra lessons.

Clare, one of Kats friends, was sitting down with her today. But she was being an ass and ignoring poor wittle Katty…

So anyways, Kat was sitting there next to Clare and being annoying. But Clare was not responding.  
So Kat sat. And she stared.  
At the 'Lord of the Rings – Fellowship of the Ring' book that just happened to be sitting there. In the 'C' section…

Dear, dear Katty. Will she never learn?  
So, as you can imagine, she got sucked into the book. The amusing thing is that she was touching Clare while staring, so Clare got sucked in too! Hahaha!

"What the bloody hell!" cried Clare when they landed, scratching her head in confusion.  
"…" said Kat as she stared ahead and drooled.

So together, they skipped up to a big place that had lots of grass and firecrackers going off and hobbits dancing and Rosie's running around in circles as Sam's stared at them and drooled and-  
"Omg Clare, look!" Kat shouted as she grabbed Clare's face and forced her to look. "It's Frodo! And he's doing the CHICKEN DAAAANCE!"

And indeed, there bopped Frodo, a big happy-chappie smile on his face as he jumped around the place, flapping his folded arms like a chicken.  
"Mer?" Clare said, for she was truly confused. But Kat paid no heed, and ran away to play. After a while, Clare decided that she wanted to play also, so she did just that.

The two were running around aimlessly, bouncing off walls and tables, when all of a sudden a black rider appeared and tried to steal Frodo away!

But Kat and Clare were not having any of it. They ran up to the rider and frowned at it. They frowned at it so hard, that their eyeballs nearly popped out.

"Be gone, foul creature!" Kat shouted majestically and commandingly, shaking her pimpy staff around. "You shall. Not. _PAAAASSSS!"_  
"Yeah, it's not your turn to come in, anyways. Frodo doesn't even have the ring yet." Clare said, for she was smart.

Then, they started running. They were running, and running, and running so fast that before they knew it, they were in Rivindell with Merry and Pippin and Aragorn and stuff.

Kat was very tired. She was the most unfit person in the universe, you see.  
And that is a very difficult title to uphold you know, what with all that new found competition rising in America.

She was so unfit and lazy, in fact, that somebody who had just finished running around the world twice after doing six hundred pushups, would probably have more energy that her. And after all that running she just did, of course such a lazy person as herself would be tired.

And so, Kat fell face forward onto the stone floor in a random corridor, and stayed there for a long time…

"Silly little female…" Clare said, giggling at her friend's stupidness. "Did I tell you about my kick-arse new words?... They are 'maleicle' and 'femaleicle'. Which mean, respectively, either acting like a male or acting like a female. Bwahahaha!" and then she danced. Danced like there was no tomorrow.

Bum chicka-licka-licka bum. Bitty bum.

That right Clare, you shake that ass...


End file.
